It's been bothering me.
I keep thinking back to Monday; that evening, when you so endeavoured to join in conversation with me through that emotionless cyborg of a computer. I thoroughly enjoyed the peace whilst I was with you, that is, until you challenged me with the simplest of questions, stuttering my speech and entirely overwhelming with the suppressed emotion I kept so quietly until now.
My fingers trembled, my heart beat accelerated, fill with the dreaded adrenalin rush that resulted from it;
Lies...You are a liar
I did not want to bring myself to lie to you, but I simply could not tell you the truth of the effects of the events of my past week, rather the formation of that group. I instantaneously zoned out on the question in an effort to shrug it off, but you persisted, your curiosity and perhaps, test to highlight the rotten, twisted heart of mine, that had so completed the act. No matter how I tried, I could not bring myself up to giving you the truth. Disconcerted, I barely, yet is a hurried manner, concocted a story, a tale that I was so ashamed to have set out to do in the first place. In hindsight, I made a decision that occupied the misty depths of my facaded mind, so similar to yours.
Trust
A spoken word, one powerful emblem of reality, a bond that transcends what is essentially the mindset you possess in being around the people you love. For many months previous, I’ve begged for patience and strength, searching for advice and a trustful friend, and ran into something I cannot begin to fathom. Even though my heart yearns out in seldom pain, my body tremours remembering the trust you bestowed on me, reciting your trembles and body shudders in being able to put your heart, your trust and possibly your ignorance into the one person you so very cherish.
Had I broken yours? You recognised my lie, while I choked back the tears, my fingers lingering so ever carefully on the little keys that all of a sudden had seemed so significant. Thoughts cascaded through my head like a hurricane. What if I never pressed the…? The conversation because slurred, and shaken as I tried to tell you the lie as truthfully as I could for what it was worth. You accepted it in your response, but I found otherwise when she so exasperatedly tried to calm my almost grief ridden mind, as I forcibly screamed at my own inability to have told the truth. An egg of self loathing hatched once again within my heart.
I don’t know why I lied, nor do I know why I can’t face up to it. There is no excuse. No, there are never any excuses. Did I do it for her? In a constrained self indulgence of worry that stemmed from a possible foreshadowing of chastise? Could I no longer separate my own hearts worries from the opportunities that reality was presenting? Was it for protection? Did this protection have enough importance to cast away your confidence, faith and reliance in me as a friend, so shakily away, and experience the after effects in my heart like that of a tsunami, so very powerful, and yet so very destructive…
Entrusted, like a cocoon of the caterpillar, whose metamorphosis closely parallels, mirrors and displays the flamboyance of your development of character and redeeming features that so constantly pull you closer to that light, the one that seeks to cleanse our hearts and test our so easily broken boorish nature of inhumanity.
Blasphemy…
Unsettled, even know I can’t muster that feeble smile to make it look like it is alright. I will repent for my actions. Rather, do I even have the right to ask for your forgiveness? Even though I cannot label myself Christian, I can seek some sort of repentance in the Bible (I John 1:9) that says: “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive our sins”.
But do I want His forgiveness, or am I seeking something else, something that delves from this broad definition. In the end, I want that boys' forgiveness, for the pain I inflicted on the one I love.
Even if the word "love" has become overused, overlooked, misinterpreted, misused, disregarded and underestimated. Will you forgive me my love…I hope you so recognise how much of a struggle it is to admit ones own sorrows.
Even though I am a coward, I cannot directly say it to your face, I hope you can understand and give me the opportunity to become someone you can so entirely love as well….
No matter how far away you are, no matter how little opportunity we have to see each other, we will definitely meet again, and all those memories will flood back through our minds, a reflection of our true feelings, of even the simplest things, like the two hours spent looking for your aviators, or the silent prayers to silence your pain and give strength during your exam period. As selfish as I am, this heart still beats in place, and this fragmented memory still feels nourished with your love and support when that void in my heart was so carelessly torn from me.
I keep thinking back to Monday; that evening, when you so endeavoured to join in conversation with me through that emotionless cyborg of a computer. I thoroughly enjoyed the peace whilst I was with you, that is, until you challenged me with the simplest of questions, stuttering my speech and entirely overwhelming with the suppressed emotion I kept so quietly until now.
My fingers trembled, my heart beat accelerated, fill with the dreaded adrenalin rush that resulted from it;
Lies...You are a liar
I did not want to bring myself to lie to you, but I simply could not tell you the truth of the effects of the events of my past week, rather the formation of that group. I instantaneously zoned out on the question in an effort to shrug it off, but you persisted, your curiosity and perhaps, test to highlight the rotten, twisted heart of mine, that had so completed the act. No matter how I tried, I could not bring myself up to giving you the truth. Disconcerted, I barely, yet is a hurried manner, concocted a story, a tale that I was so ashamed to have set out to do in the first place. In hindsight, I made a decision that occupied the misty depths of my facaded mind, so similar to yours.
Trust
A spoken word, one powerful emblem of reality, a bond that transcends what is essentially the mindset you possess in being around the people you love. For many months previous, I’ve begged for patience and strength, searching for advice and a trustful friend, and ran into something I cannot begin to fathom. Even though my heart yearns out in seldom pain, my body tremours remembering the trust you bestowed on me, reciting your trembles and body shudders in being able to put your heart, your trust and possibly your ignorance into the one person you so very cherish.
Had I broken yours? You recognised my lie, while I choked back the tears, my fingers lingering so ever carefully on the little keys that all of a sudden had seemed so significant. Thoughts cascaded through my head like a hurricane. What if I never pressed the…? The conversation because slurred, and shaken as I tried to tell you the lie as truthfully as I could for what it was worth. You accepted it in your response, but I found otherwise when she so exasperatedly tried to calm my almost grief ridden mind, as I forcibly screamed at my own inability to have told the truth. An egg of self loathing hatched once again within my heart.
I don’t know why I lied, nor do I know why I can’t face up to it. There is no excuse. No, there are never any excuses. Did I do it for her? In a constrained self indulgence of worry that stemmed from a possible foreshadowing of chastise? Could I no longer separate my own hearts worries from the opportunities that reality was presenting? Was it for protection? Did this protection have enough importance to cast away your confidence, faith and reliance in me as a friend, so shakily away, and experience the after effects in my heart like that of a tsunami, so very powerful, and yet so very destructive…
Entrusted, like a cocoon of the caterpillar, whose metamorphosis closely parallels, mirrors and displays the flamboyance of your development of character and redeeming features that so constantly pull you closer to that light, the one that seeks to cleanse our hearts and test our so easily broken boorish nature of inhumanity.
Blasphemy…
Unsettled, even know I can’t muster that feeble smile to make it look like it is alright. I will repent for my actions. Rather, do I even have the right to ask for your forgiveness? Even though I cannot label myself Christian, I can seek some sort of repentance in the Bible (I John 1:9) that says: “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive our sins”.
But do I want His forgiveness, or am I seeking something else, something that delves from this broad definition. In the end, I want that boys' forgiveness, for the pain I inflicted on the one I love.
Even if the word "love" has become overused, overlooked, misinterpreted, misused, disregarded and underestimated. Will you forgive me my love…I hope you so recognise how much of a struggle it is to admit ones own sorrows.
Even though I am a coward, I cannot directly say it to your face, I hope you can understand and give me the opportunity to become someone you can so entirely love as well….
No matter how far away you are, no matter how little opportunity we have to see each other, we will definitely meet again, and all those memories will flood back through our minds, a reflection of our true feelings, of even the simplest things, like the two hours spent looking for your aviators, or the silent prayers to silence your pain and give strength during your exam period. As selfish as I am, this heart still beats in place, and this fragmented memory still feels nourished with your love and support when that void in my heart was so carelessly torn from me.
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