My infrequent blog posts are starting to piss me off as well...gosh this week has been annoying...to sum it all up. just pure damn annoying, ah pure and damn dont get well in the same sentence.
tuesday...i saw the real monster that loomed in that person. it welled up, prepared to pounce, and exploded on the spot. Its the worst thing when a person lies to your face, continues to lie, make excuses, and all you do is fall for that person harder and worse. It's like a chocolate bar, that says 99 percent fat free, a straightforward lie, that shows when your 3 days worth of mass consumerism of that specific chocolate bar, leads you to gain the extra 2 kg, that the packet initially denied. In another sense, I chose a chocolate bar to symbolise it as something that people love dearly, or with passion. The verdict, he is a lying cheating bastard that showed his true colours. I said I wouldnt regret, but right now all the flaws come out. Saying msn is easy, rather than face to face, or insisting the the gf is always the one who is wrong, AND with the air of someone who believes he isnt to blame.
The worst thing: knowing you dont feel responsible or guilty, and then changing into the harsh uncaring asshole, who blamed me and told me he didnt like me as a person, simply because I asked a truthful question. I guess fear is wat made him loose his cool. He was too scared to say it to my face. All the lols and 'I guess we are better off as friends' are so fake that it pisses me off in the first place. O and wat about the shoes. Where to begin. O wait, mayb I shouldnt, because that person would insist 'its in the past'. Right...so when i killed off heaps of stolen money on them, spent ages passing them around to get caught, and coping SOO MUCH SHIT just to ha
ve them delivered to you, and hearing u say, sorry they are wet and muddy and ooo gee they weren't THAT GREAT.....WELL THANKS FOR CARING!! realli appreciate it.
Another thing, putting on a 'im sorry but Im acting like I dont want to hurt u' air is just as bad, esp when its a break up conversation, and then a few days later u shed u coat and reveal the monster of personality u have unsheathed. You know, I think im going to stop using the word sorry, and the words I love you. Because, everyone uses them, without implying their real significance. He told me he didnt like me, and followed with a heartless sorry. If he were reali sorry, then he wouldnt have said it. Lies, continuous lies, revealed through every sentence that came out of his mouth. How much of it was truth, like the first few times he said I love you, the 3 most powerful words that can become a source of hope for one person, and then to later have him take it back and say I like you, but even then I dont like u THAT much. great kiddo, in the end, you say i was a shit gf, but dude, u were boring and stupid. I guess stupid + stupid = FAIL in a relationship. Thats y this time, Ill fall in love with someone who is at least a lot more mature, and intelligent, not just in studies, but in terms of relationships. Sigh =.=''' and also when I would try to convince myself we were better off, or we moved together too fast, and you agreeing so passionately. You see, this is where the hate comes in. Sis, you were right. First it was pain and heartbreak, now its just anger and annoyance.
And the uttermost, uber worst thing. Being used and led on, and then chucked away like a rag doll. Thanks hun, it was the best 3 months ever...but ooo wait, didnt you say I was a shit gf, so I guess you didnt enjoy them at all, another lie in ur break up convo. The world can be so fucked, but ur just impossible. And then acting so nice during the break up, using words like babe and im sorry, and OOO IT WONT BE AWKWARD, ITS ME, and how u sooo wouldnt ignore me at the trial exam today, but wait everybody take a guess at wat did he do...he ignored me, went upstairs with some other chick to apparently 'study'. fess up kiddo, ur alreadi fliritng and in another relationship. Thanks for giving a shit about me.
And now for the saddest thing. If I ask you what is happiness to you, I would love to hear your reply. In the whole relationship, I was chasing after what I would assume would make YOU happy. I wanted to see YOU smile, YOU laugh, YOU cuddle me or kiss me. I wanted to see YOUR face light up when i gave YOU chocolates that i went through shit to get, but in the end, I got a feigned thanks and a pissy peck to show ooo so much gratitude. Which made me think, had he ever once asked me, r you happy, or what can I do to make YOU happy? No....he didnt. This doesnt mean that in my next relationship I will full on try and make the guy work. No, im not like that. If I love someone, I want them to know I would do anything for them regardless, because that is what love is. It makes you do crazy things, but thanks alot, I am now officially scared to say I love you to another guy.
Aside from all the stupid ex bitching, I want to address the topic of lust, attraction, friendship and crushes. I refuse to talk about love in my o so crappy mood right now. For me I think lust and attraction are the same thing; the desire to have someone, flirt with them, touch them, and make them yours. And what is a crush for me? Noticing someone's every action, thinking about every word they said to you, and constantly thinking about what they are doing or what they feel for you. This is what i believe a crush is.
Friendship: What is a true bestie? When I saw Nimasha buckle and her eyes well up, I wanted to show her that I cared, when a person she loved was snatched away from her. What could I do, I was so emotionally hurt from my own failure of a relationship, that all I cud do was watch. I wanted to grab her and hug her, but even her own tendency to do that had faded. I watched her cry, yet I did not put my hands around her, scared for some reason..that my own emotional stonage would be conveyed to her. I felt numb, numb and annoyed that I could not show her that I care so much. In the end, as she cried, I cried with her. Tears welled up and fell...their signficance was that they held my true feelings. frustration mixed with confusion with my sudden emotional numbness. I wanted to be there for her, not as an onlooker, but as a person she could lean her shoulder on and cry. Did this make me a bad friend? Do I have the right anymore to say I'm her friend, if I could not even hold onto those now fragile shaking shoulders? In the end, it only makes me cry more. When my precious little sister lost her most important person, it didnt hit me at first. Even now, I still can't believe it. Yet I remained silent, even on msn, I just stared at the conversation and silently wept. While she may have thought I was conversing with another person, hence the late replies, I was just shocked. I stared at those words that had now become so real, and hated myself, and my inability to convey that I reali cared and wanted to be there as a dear person. Even now, Sonam, my heart and soul sister, when she cries, looses her breath, chokes, cries and tosses and turns, I wish only to be with her. To hold her until she cries to sleep, make jokes with her to turn her sadness into happiness. So is this my answer? Is true friendship about devoting yourself to the wellbeing of the person to the point that u hurt when they are hurt, and you smile when they smile? In the end, all I can do is strive to be there for her. If only it weren't for the shitty barrier between us. O how I would have run to her house, and sat with her while she wept, listened to her every complaint, moment of happiness, sadness, and stroked her hair with so much love and respect for that person who had opened up to me. SONAM I MISS YOU!!! In the end, all I can do is pray, pray to god to grant my selfish wish, and ask him to bring happiness to these dear and important friends, who are responsible for my own happiness. Even now, seeing kk struggle to be happy, and push me away with the worry of burdening with her own problems, it makes me sadder. Because in essence, I genuinely care, and again I feel as if people set up a barrier, and choose not to tell. Everyone is different, and I can understand if they are not comfortable with telling people, but for the people like me who see their most important people suffer in silence with no clue at all on how to help, isnt that more gut wrenching? We issue interest in their general wellbeing, yet they think it is a simple curtesy/aquaintance call. Yet, all we do is love them more, and hold them closer. They push us away, yet we run after them, begging them to hold up....
so y does god take the people we love away from us...Is it a test, as shannon says, that God brokes our hearts, to prove he only takes the best? One may ponder, but likewise, they might never find the answer. It feels as if a hole was punched in our heart, when see the people we love hurt. For kk and sonam, I MARSHMELLOW YOU BOTH. and so far, you are the only 2 people I can say that to, because truthfully you guys are gorgeous, both mind body and soul, to the point that your support alone is something that is keeping me alive and breathing to this day:)
On a lighter, more errr cheerier, I would like to end saying thankyou to mihiri luke kk and jeremy and the other people who have helped me build a bridge and get over a certain someone. All it does, is make me love you guys more :)
On my next blog post i want to talk about the morality in sexual attraction and friendship, which I am only bringing up after I stayed up till 2 in the morning today, watching Vicky Cristina Barcelona..and phewww let me tell you, that is one hot raunchy movie!! :D But I love YOU PENELOPE CRUZ lol. But basically, its because 2 besties both had sexual relationships with the same man, yet one kept it from the other in order to prevent her from getting hurt. I want to address the issue, how far, or what can one bestie do for the other? vicky loved antonia, yet she moved out of the way for cristina, but to what avail? In the end, they both ended up in the same spot. broken, hurt, reflective and more matured...
for now, see ya guys im drained with only 5 hours sleep CAUSE THE FRIKIN NEIGHBOURS HAD A PARTY, AND I HEARD MILEY CYRUS TILL 1AM IN THE MORNING arghg shoot me. I would have wanted to be with a person, be cuddled and have my hair stroked. I want to be looked at with the eyes of someone interested, infatuated and almost intrigued. I want to be held when I'm down, make jokes and hear you laugh, and tease you, only to see your cute reactions. I want to surprise you with random things, see you smile, and then cling to you because I dont want you to leave me. I want you to kiss me without me having to ask you, I want you to call me and sing to me as I sleep. I want to tell you about my day, and hear you talk about yours, and watch your eyes as I learn something new. And I never want it to fade away...but love to only grow. Even if it is explored in different ways; fights, arguments, friendship, sexual lust and attraction, i want it to be only with you, and you alone, so that we can grow and mature together. And I want to know that you actually care, that its not a facade, that its not just out of courtesy and your duty as a friend. No, i want more than that. I want to hear you whisper my name and giggle, and then tickle you and watch you defend yourself. I want to make you feel alive, and I want to make you want only me, and think about me when your alone. This is the beauty of love, something that gives me hope to push through every day. But I wont ask God to give me this this time. I will shape my own life, and do whatever I want everyday with the people I love. I will follow my heart, so that in the end, if anything goes wrong, I will only have myself to blame. I want to pursue someone, without worrying about the morality and even if it wasnt the right decision, have you see me and run with arms wide open. For now, being with that person is more than enough. Knowing their heart is beating at the same pace as yours, or knowing that the silence between us is more reflective, and never looking back, but only moving forward together. I want it to be more than attraction, more than sex, more than lust, more than anything, I want to trust you. Say to you over and over again, I love you and I trust you, without being scared you will shut me down and say sorry but I don't. The only thing I know is what I dont want....
For now i have stomach cramps:S which i reali dont like....ah i need to save up money too, to buy bday presents for a bday boy:D iv alreadi bought present one and i think its cute, but not sure if its boyish...GOSH Y IS IT SO HARD TO BUY GIFTS FOR GUYS. grrr, llol and the fact that your not interested in video games or sport, is a little bit harder as well XD.
But happiness isnt always defined by being in a relationship. Sure, if being in a relationship, knowing that you are being tied down to a person that you really treasure, if that makes you happy, then you shud pursue it without any worries. But for now, im single, meaning I can do whatever, flirt with whoever, and not even feel guilty. I think my first relationship was an experience to show me im still too young and inexperienced. That I need to mature so I can improve on the next one. I wont get into a relationship till after year 12, when I can actually focus on having a social life, with more freedom. I dont want to be labelled as in a relationship. I am ME, and that is the bottom line. Being single, I can learn to love in a different manner, and I can be me, without feeling that I always have to be devoted. I learnt how destructive relationships are. Its about finding someone who values you for who you are. And in the future if i find that person I would say this:
I want to hold your hand, and feel you squeeze back just as tightly :)
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