A person recently pointed out that I complain too much...
Lets label him X.
That may be true, despite the 50 or so other people who disagree with that statement. What were my feelings when that person said that to me?
To be honest, I buckled. Especially since the person was someone I trust more than I can ever trust myself. At the time I felt weak, not to mention the break down my body has had since Saturday. I know I'm drained emotionally, any person could point that out when they see me. My insomnic patterns and loss of appetite are showing. If you think its because of my 3 week old break up, you could be right. One of my friends said to me that it was a delayed reaction; my body is now showing the signs of weakness I tried to push out in the last 2 weeks, when I realised I had to grow up, and get over him and move on...
But its always easier said than done. Truthfully, I didnt even know if X was being so blunt and pointing out his honest opinion in order to help me realise it, or simply because he was angry and fed up with me. Yes, it hurt....I cannot say that when people are honest and point these things out, it doesnt hurt.
It does, and that's the bottom line.
It only made me more conscious. Wondering, fearing, and contemplating the truth. Was I really like that? Did I burden people when I talked? I felt like I needed to retreat into a shell, away from everyone. The next day when I talked to people, I didnt mention anything about my day, my feelings, nothing. I inquired as to their day, their adventures and their thoughts. It was all I could really do. That statement that person made, has in itself, consumed my mind, made me conscious of every word I wrote or typed, because I was scared. Scared to admit that mayb that X was right, and that I was wrong. It would be me lying, if I denied that Desh hadnt left me scared. He knew my true feelings, yet he used and abused them. What did that tell me about other people? Would they be like him, would I have to cover up my feelings, and sink to his level and lie simply to have my heart protected? Would this way prevent me from getting my feelings hurt, if no one knew what they were in the first place...
But was this me? Was being retreated, and being scared of everyone and everythin
g the way I wanted to live, the person I wanted to become? X once said to me that I dont know what I want. But I thought about it and came to this conclusion. I told you I wanted happiness and he said that I was implying I would only be happy with another man, that this new man was the only thing that could make me happy. Yes, I was happy in a relationship, the happiness Desh did give me was a memory I'll treasure, but for now, I know what I dont want, and its another destructive relationship like the one I had. So this is my true answer. Yes, I want happiness, however, I dont need to know how I want to obtain this happiness. That is the purpose of having a future, you wont know what is to come, and you can never expect anything. I can say that I want to be with my friends, keep them close, work hard, get the enter I want and then go out and party all the time. These are the things I THINK will give me happiness. But what if they dont? What if I loose all my friends today? Or person X hates me? Or my parents disown me? Or i get into an accident and am on life support for the rest of my life? See this is why I cant define happiness.For me, to say that I at least want happiness is enough. You say I'm unstable because I don't know what I want. Thats fine. I dont need to know what I want, because for now I'm living. Im breathing, and my heart is beating. I feel happiness, sadness, pain and anger. Because I'm human, and I'm living for myself, in this world. I don't need to have my life ruled and defined into the exact events that will rule out my happiness. I want to go with the flow. Have no expectations, and do everything without worrying about the consequences. I'm not saying I want to become ignorant or care-free, but rather I want to feel freedom. Do the things I feel like, and learn from them. Everything is an experience, and every person you meet will mayb leave a lasting impression on you. I say I want happiness, because in truth, I want to have the hope that I can live life to the fullest without ever regretting.
Person X that is my answer to you. You made me think and reflect, and this is the only thing I can say. I don't want to look back, only forward. I want to try new things, do reckless things without worrying so then I can at least mature from the mistakes I make. You said I complain too much, but this is who I am. I am ME, and you as a friend, can either learn to accept me for who I am or watch me develop into a better person. You are my friend, and I love you for who you are. I can only beg you won't give me a reason to give up hope, give up my dreams, and my definitions of what happiness I want. Because now, in this stage of life I don't know how I want to achieve this happiness, but really, did I ever know? Does anybody ever know? Love builds bridges where there are none. The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.If you judge people, you have no time to love them.
The only reason it hurt though, the main reason that made me buckle, was because you, like me know what I went through in year 8. You know better than anyone, that there was a point in my life I couldnt even talk to people, couldn't even smile, look at their face. I lost the ability to trust. I gave up the hope of ever finding happiness.
I wanted to die.
You knew that, yet you said I complain to much. For me, it is enough of a big deal that I CAN actually open up to people and talk to them about the random events that happen in my life. That I CAN smile and look them in the eye when I talk. That I CAN trust them, and tell them the dearest things to me, without worrying that they will hurt me. You know you are one of my dear peoples, yet I don't think you understood that I'm human too, and I know Im not exactly like you in that I have to rely on people, but this is who I am. Please learn to love me for who I am, Im begging you...
A person might say that the thing that will bring them most happiness is for example, is getting a job at Target. But when they arrive at the job, are subjected to a humiliating one week of training, not having the ability to be accepted into the already appointed staff, then their perception of happiness might change. Would they find happiness working in a place that causes them so much pain? I often find that happiness comes as a surprise. A little gesture or smile from a person you consider untouchable, is often enough to make you feel slightly more happy.
What about love? Love between friendship, love between people of the opposite sex, and in some cases of the same sex? Does love always bring happiness? Or does it produce pain? Have you ever had those moments when even among your friends, the people you think you know, you feel alone? Alone in this world, with no one to notice your lonliness, walk up to you and kiss you forehead and say 'it's alrite, i'm here for you arent i?' Its funny. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
Mayb this is what I seek in happiness. Sure I might link a future relationship as bringing me happiness, because I want to find an individual who will listen to me and support me even when the whole world is against me. Person X, I love you so much, and I respect what you said to me, but is it selfish if I want to pursue that as happiness? No, rather I will shape my own happiness. I won't chase after it. I want happiness to find me. Until then I can carry on with my normal every day life, and hope to expect that I will find peace of mind. Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it’s what you are expected to give — which is everything.
Which makes me think:
Life is like a see-saw. Make the most of it.
We have our ups and downs, successes and failures, elations and disappointments. Nothing is certain but change. Winners turn losers and vice versa, but that is the law of nature.
We need to learn to act our age, we are young, we have the right to be reckless, rashionless, make mistakes, pick ourselves up and work harder. We have the right to learn to accept ourself, we have the right to be happy, and we have the right to be honest, straightforward. We have the right to fall in love, like a person, get into sexual relations for fun, all with the purpose for improving and developing. If we dont try now, then when will we? Will we forever be burdened with regret for never trying? What is the point of acting above our age? Are we trying to tell the world we are different? And even then why? Is it because we want our existance to be acknowledged by all? Do we want people to say that person is different, not like usual girls or guys. Do you want to be categorized as different and fragmented from the norm? Then why do we show off, or speak so freely of the random things that happen? Is it a fear, an obsession or for a purpose?
In the end, it will be different for each invidual, because truthfully EVERYONE is DIFFERENT. its about learning to find a purpose, or a reason to move on and get through every day. For me, I hope to keep the beautiful friends I have, possibly find a partner who will love me for who I am, be a successful person who does well in life and is able to make her own decisions. For now these are dreams. Whether or not they are accomplished is a different story or if my perception of happiness changes, but more importantly is the hope. For now, my summer dream is to get a flat stomach, get my belly button ring and fit into my first bikini ;) Yep here I come guys :D Jokes, rather than that, I want to be a motivation to Charmaine, and show her that baby steps develop just like a baby to an adult. Its about having the right people to support you. You don't necessarily have to make the right decisions all the time, that is where learning and experiences come from.
In the end I will be with you no matter who you become, no matter what you do, because that is my pledge as a friend. I love you, and for me love can overcome any boundary. So please, dont abuse this love, let me prove to you that you can make up my world. Give me a chance to be me, and learn to accept this ditzy stupid girl who complains too much. Because for me, seeing you smile is enough to make all the pain disappear...
If you love somebody, set them free. If they return, they were always yours. If they don’t, they never were....
And beautiful Sonam, this is for you
a thousand words couldnt bring you back…
i know this because i tried,
niether could a thousand tears…
i know this because i cried,
you left behind a broken heart and happy memories too…
but i never wanted memories..
i only wanted you
Don’t you wish that flower could tell the truth
he loves me
he loves me not
so get up and go find out make that 1st move and put your feeling out there!
P.S any pictures i post up from now on, are from my cute friend Jeannine's website from
http://papertissue.tumblr.com
Please click and admire the beautiful photos. I always feel like they touch my heart:)
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