The Speaking tree

I had a dream last night. A beautiful dream in which the tears had secretly slipped through the silence unnoticed until their salty bitterness kissed my lips and I realised it could never be more than a dream...It mirrored the moments that once consumed my heart 6 months ago. You stared up at me while on my lap and smiled; a smile I never ever saw... I could never complete you, because you had shut your self out. I was a person. A girl you saw as your own, but never... as a part of you. I watched your face; your long lashes flicker as you closed your eyes, praying, wishing it would never end. The silence, was reflective, it made me wonder more and more what the future would hold for the both of us. Wishing, desperately searching for a sign, a moment where every star became significant in the vast expanding sky, praying that somewhere you were thinking of me too. 'I'm dreaming of you tonight, till tomorrow, I'll be holding you tight..' The world became your embrace, no matter how weary the day, the uncertainty in tomorrow or the inexplicable hesitancy that came being around you, you were no longer him; no longer that same person. It was different. Wondering, contemplating, what would you see if you looked in my eyes? Would you even care? The pain, the flamboyance of your continuous lies and excuses had all crumbled before my eyes, and there you stood, so brilliant in the light, like an angel who had gone against God, and fallen for a mortal who had binded you with their clumsiness that gave you the perfect excuse to start a journey; a time together with that mortal...forever and ever...I just wanna hold you close, but so far, all I have are dreams of you. So I wait for the day and courage to say how much I love you..dreaming with you endlessly...

But who was I kidding, isnt this itself the greatest sin? Lying to oneself, indulging in giving oneself useless hope that life would return to that one moment. That you would return to me as the person I once knew, the man I once loved. We are no longer kids...heartbreak, pain and loss matures us, gives us a strength, a passion, a goal we never knew we had before. A driving force, a will to live and prove to God that we can obtain happiness, regardless of the choice or method.

But what if we are lying to ourselves? Is that fair? Fair to who? Myself or the people who watch as I believe in my own lies? Was I lying to myself and everyone else when I said that I was over him? That I didnt love him...

Yet discovering he had blocked me last night...Why did I still cry, and feel anxiety and grief. Wasnt it I, who had been through the most torment in this relationship supposed to block him not vice versa? My break down was pointless. I was surpised, lost and hurt to have realised that last night I was still affected by his disappearance from my life. Or perhaps it was the fact that he had promised so gently, lying so willfully, that he would be there for me, that he wouldn't run away and that 'he wasn't scared I would eat him' Promises, promises, promises. What is the point of making one when you can never keep it. In the end all you do is accumulate more worry, guilt and hatred. For how long will I pretend to myself that I've forgiven him for what he did..how long...will I hold out...reaching...praying that God will have mercy on me...and let me forget him...forever...

I just want to say thanks again to Luke who again...literally saved my ass last night. When I stopped breathing, and started my stupid and regretful crying, he with his clear thinking mind, ruled him out from my life. Even though he would so firmly imply the need for me to just 'forget him' and I struggled to come to terms with that suggestion, in the end I knew the harsh reality behind them. He said them to help me wake up, realise dreams dont last, and anyone can fall from heaven...So thanks Luke, my little bodyguard who cares even when I feel he doesnt like most people....

Forgiveness.
One word..one very powerful opening into a new perspective on life..
To forgive and to forget is not easy.
The sage Acharya Mahaprajina once said to a man 'Remeber all that which supports your progress, bring you happiness and forget all that which impedes your progress, hinders positive thoughts. It is as important to learn to be forgetful as it is to learn to remember. If you remember the hurtful or the detrmiental incidents, you are carrying an unnecessary burden with you and this will lead you to failure.'

To forgive and forget: they come as a pair, for unless you forget you cannot forgive, and unless you forgive you can never forget. Put it this way, when we eat or drink, we are quenching our hunger and thirst. We are satisfying one kind of need. Similarly, to seek forgiveness is the need of the spirit. It brings nutrition to the spirit and rejuvenates it. Mahavira believeed in equality to such an extent that he said if one forgives and the orther is forgiven, it introduced inequality in society. So both sides should seek forgiveness and forgive. The meaning of forgiveness is limitless affection or amity. The most dominant cause of hatred is arroganc. If we are able to overcome arrogance and develop humane qualities, we can access amity in no time. When anger is overcome, the spirit of forgiveness springs in the soul and the soul experiences infinite happiness....

btw...sorry for the depressing post...and the time it took as well...i got lazy heheh :D
but i will update it tomorrow detailing the great fun and experiences of one week of holidays and my upcoming plans for them...mwhahaha
I LUV U ALL PEOPLE
and thanks for always being there for me and reading my blog :)