The power of silence

Tears of silent longing slipped down my face when I woke up, triggered by the sweet lingering memory of that warmth, so precious, so wanted and yet so out of reach...

***

White swirls of every shape whirled over me, the sun seem to radiate over both of us, as I comfortably sat on a soft bed of grass, gazing at you, the one I had so much love and adoration for; you were the most dear person. Your sitting figure no less than 10 centimeters away from me consumed my vision at that moment. You brushed your hand against the cool, crisp grass and then scuttled forward, planting that little kiss on my forehead as I could not meet your gaze.

I knew your eyes were reading my movements, my reactions, but I was too embarrassed for an unknown reason, and averted my gaze towards my laps, where my hands rested. You seemed to move closer, before you stopped, for a moment and retreated. My heart seemed to resonate a beat so loud that I was worried that you could hear it. All my feelings felt like they would explode, and I was scared about how I could control them, I needed to show you how strong I had become...

I ran one hand on top of the luscious grass, caressing over the razor sharp jagged points of each blade. The day was beautiful, and at first, I didn't realise the noise your scuttle made as you subtly moved closer to me, reaching your hand towards me. It wasn't until you touched my hand, skimming yours over my fingers, clasping so gently and drawing my hand close to your warm body that I'd suddenly realised the limited proximity now between you and me.

My body temperature soared; my face was flushed with an overwhelming heat, so hot that I could feel the cool winds biting against my burning skin. Your hand remained unclenched against my fingers, and only lightly bordered my cold hands with your soft, warm fingers, stroking my shaking skin with your thumb.

You displayed an uncanny smile spread across your face, as I reeled back in surprise.

How much longer can I keep doing this!!!

Silence...

And then, a melody resonated in the air. One so beautiful, so vivid, one that made my heart deviate from even its most excited pace, faster and faster as all I could do was listen, while my gaze lay transfixed onto your hand that held mine. I sat up straighter to control my ventilation, as my mind dazed to and fro, calculating and miscalculating the reasons for your actions, confusing me immensely.

I dared to move my gaze to your face, and my eyes widened in shock, and my breath was cut short. That melody, so pure, so powerful, it was unreal, as if it was too good to be true. That hoarse yet sweet sound, filled the monotonous silence with so much vigour as your blue eyes seemed to crinkle just the slightest around the edges and your teeth, so perfect, seemed to occupy my attention, as the rumbles of my heart were drowned out by this unknown yet precious moment.

You were laughing...

That laugh rang in my ears over and over again, as you did not hold back. You continued to laugh, with even more vigour, a side that I had never seen of you, but had craved for so long to see. At that moment I realised it did not matter, nothing mattered, not these walls, or this seclusion and the desire to prove. You had, broken down this wall, all but with, that simplistic laugh, and I soon found myself chuckling slightly at the alterations of your hands entwined with mine.

Ah, but...what about my changes, my improvements? This insecurity that I have changed, these feelings that are consuming me, what about...

You suddenly grasped my hand tighter as silence found its place again, and you opened your mouth, and I watched as they whispered one word, a word that labelled who I am, but yet sounded so perfect when you uttered:

'Raveena'

The spell was broken, as I found myself into your embrace, as these feelings finally took over, that little voice in my head was silenced, as the strength in your arms as you placed me close to your heart were enough to make me realise I was home...I had finally found 'you'....

Representative droplets..

'Smile...even if it's a sad smile, because sadder than a sad smile is the sadness of not knowing how to smile'

I dreamt you again, and this time, I fell into your embrace, and I was instantly flooded with such a warmth.

It was as if the sun shone in favour of me, its rays stretching towards me and blanketing me in safe heat, shielding me from the harsh, desolate landscape that surrounded me, where the wind howled and threatened to slice through my skin with its ice-cold touch.

You were hugging me. Your arms wrapped easily around my shoulders, and you comfortably leaned your head next to mine tucked into my shoulder.

Your hold on me was tight and secure, and I instantly felt safe in your arms, your warmth dissolving into my skin, warming my cold heart. The hairs of my neck stood on end as I shivered against your body, and I found myself returning your gesture, pulling myself closer as I grasped the back of your jacket.

I felt myself urging for more of your warmth; for not even a millimetre of distance between us, and I moulded myself against your physique. I buried my face under your neck, and a single tear pricked in my eye as I dreamed this was real, waking up to the warmth of my electric blanket under me....

"Kiss me"...is all i can utter...

Growing experience

You were special, from the very first.

- You actually l o o k into my eyes when we speak, and it really amazes me.

- I hope you realise that I can't actually do everything by myself; there's a reason I asked you.

- I'm so thankful I met you, but sometimes I put up with the secret heartache of seeing you with someone else.

- You provide more than the temporary relief to a burdened and heavy weighted heart, which, before, remained burdened, and if anything, even heavier than before.

- The words "why do you love me?" never felt so real to me in my entire life until now.

- I can still see Your love everywhere, blessing me back into salvation.

-Even though you're old than me, that's not the point..the point is you're growing more beautiful each and every day, and I'm proud to be your best friend.


happy 8 months to the most precious girl...

Sorrowful partings

its going to be hard....

this seperation will be so god damned hard.

But why?




I know I'll see you again...eventually

We are already p h y s i c a l l y seperated

There is distance in kilometers between US

So then why the sorrow, the pain, the sadness that was never there before?

All that's changed is the amount of contact

No more hearing that voice that still rings in my ears

No more seeing that smile that would ease all my worries away

No more holding onto that hand, that finally, clings back with just as much love


I said the s e p e r a t i o n would be good

On the bright side, it would allow ME to focus

Focus on the things I wish I could just toss away and abandon

That we would be stronger, not just for ourselves, but for each other

Our love for each other is unconditional and would continue to grow

You smiled, a sad smile, when I suggested this idea

Contemplating, knowing that you would not be able to help me

No longer able to lift the burden off my shoulders when the worst came back

Who would I talk to now? Who would confide in me?

What will change in the time we lack contact, the times we just..want to escape?


I wonder when it will become so unbearable to hear your voice

Or run my fingers down your face

When thinking about Y O U will leave me in tears

Make me feel alone, so hopeless, as I begin to crumble...

No longer that pillar of support that I promised we would both be





When will your memories start becoming a nightmare I need to escape.....

dedicated to the best friends...

MY TWO UBER BESTIES! Rice and ketchup!!!
this is the cutest photo I have of u both!

Dedicated to the best friends :)
- ani u look like ur choking urself...
kk cute as usual (L)
NAT IS SOO TERRIBLY ADORABLE NAWWWW

my last outing before school started, with my best
two friends and we took photos to preserve it..even tho
it was so bright
we cudnt even see anything..
god i look weird in this one...

i smell charisma coming out of this one baby! WOOT XD

And of course, the shots taken at work when me
and kk went to max brennor and feasted on
crepes that we LOVED (l) god
i love u kk!!!!
ITS NEARLY 6 WHOOPING MONTHS
AS BEST FRIENDS WOOT WOOT

New Year Resolutions :)

Like Sarah, I wish to:

To let the people I love know that they're loved...
And to try harder so that I won't lose any more relationships unless it's really time to go.

Like Sarah,

I have found myself at crossroads in my personality. It’s simply between me and who I should be...which road can I take?

Unstable. Insecure. Breakable.

The challenge is here, the time is now, all I need is to see you smile, smile, only for me…

That alone is enough, enough to propel this gullible nature, so to speak, to be your support.

You are far beautiful, beyond anything in this world.

My resolution is for consistency and balance. To develop a committing heart, that is so not easily swayed by those kind words you cleverly utter.

Organisation; the chance to learn that I can keep to a timetable to define this one year that will highlight what is essentially my resolve…

And to have faith, that love is so not easily given or taken, rather it is earned and occupies that warm chamber that steadily beats with its slow, constant momentum, over and over, so defined like the choices we are blindly hidden away from.

Happiness

I will try, learn and read these hands of mine so high up, to that hole that beckons, enticing me closer and closer, wiping the guilt, sorrow and pain away, that I might be forgiven, that I too, my have a chance of obtaining my own happiness, regardless of the circumstances.

And for you, I only wish to be happy when your happy, take your hands and gaze into those intense eyes, place our foreheads together and pray, and feel you heartbeat, like mine, beat in the same place for the same people.

I shall not loose hope, even in the direst situations; because it will only be a trial, there will always be a person, with their arms wide open waiting for me on the other side, only to embrace and fonder this longing heart.

For my school friends, the ones who will constantly put up with my immature and fickle heart:

- Luke I would like to avoid fighting all year, it leaves my heart unsettled, my brain challenged as if I am not pretentious enough by my already scarred past that so lays the foundation for these opinions and thoughts not close mindedness. Yet, your carefree and exigent nature tests my courage as an older friend as I look on with a silent plea. Don’t toss me away…

- Irene, Ashleigh and Jeannine, I would like to spend as much time as my hectic lifestyle allows me this year at Senior School, because memories untainted will always pull me closer and closer to you, to ignore my own pain and see past the efforts one makes in order to make people like me reassured and at peace. Thank you, so very much …

For my dearest Ketchup, Rice, Jezenemy, Charz, Mihiri, Sonam, and my two precious sisters; Carly and Nat chan, I will dedicate a full blog post to you (L)

So please, don’t let go of this trembling, breakable hand that so desperately clings for your lingering body warmth…..

Don't run away from me.....I need you

Intoxicated lies...

It's been bothering me.




I keep thinking back to Monday; that evening, when you so endeavoured to join in conversation with me through that emotionless cyborg of a computer. I thoroughly enjoyed the peace whilst I was with you, that is, until you challenged me with the simplest of questions, stuttering my speech and entirely overwhelming with the suppressed emotion I kept so quietly until now.

My fingers trembled, my heart beat accelerated, fill with the dreaded adrenalin rush that resulted from it;



Lies...You are a liar




I did not want to bring myself to lie to you, but I simply could not tell you the truth of the effects of the events of my past week, rather the formation of that group. I instantaneously zoned out on the question in an effort to shrug it off, but you persisted, your curiosity and perhaps, test to highlight the rotten, twisted heart of mine, that had so completed the act. No matter how I tried, I could not bring myself up to giving you the truth. Disconcerted, I barely, yet is a hurried manner, concocted a story, a tale that I was so ashamed to have set out to do in the first place. In hindsight, I made a decision that occupied the misty depths of my facaded mind, so similar to yours.


Trust


A spoken word, one powerful emblem of reality, a bond that transcends what is essentially the mindset you possess in being around the people you love. For many months previous, I’ve begged for patience and strength, searching for advice and a trustful friend, and ran into something I cannot begin to fathom. Even though my heart yearns out in seldom pain, my body tremours remembering the trust you bestowed on me, reciting your trembles and body shudders in being able to put your heart, your trust and possibly your ignorance into the one person you so very cherish.

Had I broken yours? You recognised my lie, while I choked back the tears, my fingers lingering so ever carefully on the little keys that all of a sudden had seemed so significant. Thoughts cascaded through my head like a hurricane. What if I never pressed the…? The conversation because slurred, and shaken as I tried to tell you the lie as truthfully as I could for what it was worth. You accepted it in your response, but I found otherwise when she so exasperatedly tried to calm my almost grief ridden mind, as I forcibly screamed at my own inability to have told the truth. An egg of self loathing hatched once again within my heart.

I don’t know why I lied, nor do I know why I can’t face up to it. There is no excuse. No, there are never any excuses. Did I do it for her? In a constrained self indulgence of worry that stemmed from a possible foreshadowing of chastise? Could I no longer separate my own hearts worries from the opportunities that reality was presenting? Was it for protection? Did this protection have enough importance to cast away your confidence, faith and reliance in me as a friend, so shakily away, and experience the after effects in my heart like that of a tsunami, so very powerful, and yet so very destructive…

Entrusted, like a cocoon of the caterpillar, whose metamorphosis closely parallels, mirrors and displays the flamboyance of your development of character and redeeming features that so constantly pull you closer to that light, the one that seeks to cleanse our hearts and test our so easily broken boorish nature of inhumanity.

Blasphemy…

Unsettled, even know I can’t muster that feeble smile to make it look like it is alright. I will repent for my actions. Rather, do I even have the right to ask for your forgiveness? Even though I cannot label myself Christian, I can seek some sort of repentance in the Bible (I John 1:9) that says: “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive our sins”.

But do I want His forgiveness, or am I seeking something else, something that delves from this broad definition. In the end, I want that boys' forgiveness, for the pain I inflicted on the one I love.

Even if the word "love" has become overused, overlooked, misinterpreted, misused, disregarded and underestimated. Will you forgive me my love…I hope you so recognise how much of a struggle it is to admit ones own sorrows.

Even though I am a coward, I cannot directly say it to your face, I hope you can understand and give me the opportunity to become someone you can so entirely love as well….

No matter how far away you are, no matter how little opportunity we have to see each other, we will definitely meet again, and all those memories will flood back through our minds, a reflection of our true feelings, of even the simplest things, like the two hours spent looking for your aviators, or the silent prayers to silence your pain and give strength during your exam period. As selfish as I am, this heart still beats in place, and this fragmented memory still feels nourished with your love and support when that void in my heart was so carelessly torn from me.

annoyance at those little reminders

You just know that there is something up...
when at 6 in the morning, your awoken to the sound of the massive plasma television, on volume of NO LESS THAN 40, ROARING IN YOUR EARS, accompanied by the heat and the massive splash of water I found my face confronted with, in my mother's attempt to 'wake me up'.

And for what purpose, you may wonder..
She hauled my ass awake at 6 am to go to the GYM. THE BLOODY GYM. THE GYM I COULD GO AT 11 O'CLOCK, THE SAME GYM THAT WILL EXIST AT 11 O'CLOCK, NOT 6AM IN THE MORNING!
grrrrrrr

I seriously thought mum was joking when she said we had to go gym at 6am. Sigh..what's the moral of the story kids?

Start taking life a little more seriously.

Which reminds me, its finally 2010, YEAR 12
After reading about the 2009 dux, who got perfect scores in 5 of his 6 subjects, I can now officially announce..that

FUCK IM SCARED!
hahaha :P
I'm sure I'll survive...I mean they always say, you reap what you sow, so if I put in the work, I'm sure that I will definetly be proud of my results :D

A hope....so lovingly held on to...

Clues:
- It relates to food.
- one is tangy, the other funny, and the last supportive
- it surrounded by love, and developed with feelings
- It's future is uncertain, yet within it, they are all interlinked
- a recent specific puri kura expresses the 3 food related objects

and overall, a massive group hug, which shows just how dear each is to one another...

The formation of the ribena, ketchup and rice group...has begun...:D

Blessed...

You look at me with those eyes, ever so beautiful, ever so full of innocence.

I wish there was something I could do, something that I could say to help you.

I can find nothing, nothing in this changing world to envelop u in my love.

As I look on, I want to assure you, over and over again, I love you so much.

Not as a chore, or out of habit, rather as a message that completes me, with every repetition

Cradle you like a baby, spoil you with as much as I can give you.

You make me complete, don’t I have the right to complete you?

Even though I’m not your ladle, even though I can be with you even when my heart is yearning,

Can I at least pray, pray for your soul, that God may bless you, like he blessed me with you?

I see you tremble; your light framed shoulders slightly shudder, as if condemned to self suffering

Can I conceive your heartache, and your pain, will you let me in to your guarded heart?

Burdens, I want to share, like a new born puppy that lights up a smile on your face.

That pain, I would gladly give up my life that I so desperately have clung to, just to see you smile.

Envisions, can I pillow your head, can I shelter your heart, can I fill the carelessly torn trust in you?

Or will you push me away, not out of selfishness, rather selflessness.

A worry, a desire not to tell, a fear, that preys on your heart, that shrouds your thinking,

Leaving me further and further condemned in my own indulgence of worry for you.

You have consumed my mind time and time again, a place empty till you so warmly occupied it.

I lean my shoulders, as I fear they are the only things that keep you with me.

I want to pour out the words you need to hear, the ones that will otherwise leave you full of bliss

You’re my best friend, and I am at loss of words and of ability to stir up even a smile across your face

Even if it’s a selfish wish, even if it’s for the shortest amount of time, even if my love is never truly reciprocated, can you too, slowly open your humble heart, to this selfish girl?

I don’t want to give up on you no matter what, no matter if I have unintentionally hurt, or inflicted

Some sort of pain that deems me unworthy of your praise, your touch, your love.

You mumble your intrusion on the train, and I only wish to assure you otherwise, yet

My actions have caused you uncertainty, a sort of fear that times are changing, friend may too…

Five long months, nearly half a year, that I’ve kept so true to you, giving you my all…

Learning what it feels to love someone so unconditionally, dream of a future entangled with yours

Hearing you ever so cheerfully exclaiming the wonders of your day, in your cute, hurried fashion

Drawing upon my weaknesses, making me fall deeper and deeper into this well of contentment.

Your pain is no longer your pain, but my pain as well, that affects my reasoning, my peace of mind

Looking back, I only have gratefulness, one that extends to a God, that gave me you

Such a wonderful person, a being I never knew would enter my life and blow it away.

The 5 months with you have been amazing, a rollercoaster journey, full of ups and downs.

No matter how much I cry while writing this, it does not compare to the heartbreak I feel

When I am away from you, when you so carelessly assume that your presence is little in my life

I made decisions, I had a choice, and I chose you, my bumbling, humbled girl, so truly pretty.

You constantly support, as I selfishly cling and wish you to only be mine, teasespoon.

Your ladle is truly amazing, that regardless he is able to see just how beautiful you really are.

I want to be your Elliot, and you my buttons.

My concerns for your best interests have been with you since the beginning, and I’d only wished for your eternal happiness, with or without me.

I’ve never been more proud to have a best friend, and I can’t imagine life without you.

I pray for your happiness. And I pinky promise you, I will stand by you as much and as long as humanly possible.

I love you so very much…my dearest kk

….so make a wish…..