Temptation

Its the worst thing
when I'm sitting right beside you,
watching your slow and rhythmic breathing,
a reflection, a pause, a discontinuation,
only to continue, embrace and move on.

Sitting next to you, expecting, hoping
that these foolish and indecisive feelings
are transmitted, almost forced upon you.

Restless; suddenly overly conscious
That little bit more blush, the time in the mirror
will he notice it, will it mean anything to him?

Insecurities, pent up, and then BOOM
released from the bottled up fountain of emotion
HAHAH Imperfections fly out!
Dark skin, small eyes, fat face, ugly nose?

Then silence, the silence,
a breathe not taken, a word not spoken
Like an enchanting spell, i want to be awoken
released from the bondage that so tightly
leaves me clinging, yearning for your notice
your attention.

Your gnarled hands, enfolded into a close
entangle of fingers and nails
so delicate, so reachable
Slide mine within your tender grasp
and expect the recoil, the confused,
bemused and puzzled ponder upon your face

Transfixed to those lips, moving
Open, shut, open, shut
Repetition, over and over again,
as if in a trance, hypnotised by the sheer
beauty of speech

Clinging to every word, every flicker
every abstract action and sentence
Amused by your 'specialty'
and thankful for your presence in my life

Its the worst thing
When I'm sitting right beside you
And i know I can never have you.









You Are My Temptation
so please fall from the garden of paradise
into this sick masochistic lion
that years only for you....

I LOVE YOU BOB...no kevin..i dont love penis

First off, for the number of people who asked me to whom I was referring in my previous blog post; the mysterious mystical man that has been intricately woven into the post, is none other than my imaginary boyfriend, Bob ;) Love you, Bob. Or mayb it wasn't .... :D

The horizon is shining because
it hides you somewhere.
When I see a lot of lights,
I feel dear because
you are in one of them.

Let's go out
Packing a bag with a piece of bread,
a candles and a love
This burning will that your kindness gave me
That look your eyes instilled.

The Earth is spinning, hiding you.
The eyes are shining, and the lights are twinkling
The Earth is spining, putting on you;
putting on us who shall meet each other someday





















For you...my shining light, so pure, so innocent..and so right

I needed you.

Your eyes are beautiful.
Your voice is alluring.
Your touch is warm.
Your hair is a messy nest.
Your olive skin is unpredictable.
Your hands are within grasp

Yet it is your lips that appeal the most to me..
dry, chapped and unkempt, they have a certain lush appearance
that draws me closer, and closer, making me want
to dip my head in, and draw those lips into an internal entwine
in which i can taste you, taste your sweet taste, that is so
tempting, like the fruit on the Forbidden Tree in the garden of God

Become an Eve,
Taste a forbidden fruit
Fall from paradise
With only a Snow Drop to
Represent that once idyllic time
She was alone, in the winter cold
freezing, paling, yet an angel
had mercy
and gave her a snow drop
A hope

That one can never look back
Never regret
Only move forward
Look towards the warmth of others
That God had not yet taken away from her
Feelings
The beauty of heartbreak
The beauty of pain
The unknowing beauty that comes
with developing into a more humane character

So pure, yet so out of reach.
A sin to have, yet a desire unyielding
I want you so badly, that's the underlying truth
How long can I hold back?
How long can I watch your every move?
Contemplate your every expression?
And daze over your abash personality?

You've become a drug, an obsession
I can't stop anymore, I can't rid you of my thoughts
While my heart beats, my head cries out in disapproval
but what fool doesn't listen to their heart?

Take the chance, should I try?
Make a move, and watch it fall apart.
Becoming hypnotized, as if in a trance..
Be embraced, and pray for the moment to last forever
Watch the sunset and realise a fool's worth

Fields, a temporary halt
in the turbulent movement of time
A place of reflection
Makes me want to sleep...forever

Sit in silence as the wind blows, watching with you
in amazement the sheer power and beauty of
Mother Nature, so vast, so powerful, and yet
So abused, disregarded.

Hear your views, fight, disagree, yet
vehemently deny
your words of wisdom
the piercing pain, the
inability to keep you out
The desperation to shut you out
away...away in fear

Fear, fear of acceptance
fear of not being good enough
pretty?
funny?
charming?
Traits, fit for perfection
found within every person
yet not always explored and expressed

Generic, reciprocated
Possibly unrequited,
Feelings not returned, shunned, denied
Disregarded like your fickle nature
Thrown away like last nights dinner
Am I meaningful?
Do I have a purpose?
Do I mean anything to you?
Does you heart beat..even for a moment...?

Wondering, does thinking have a purpose?
Feelings, what if I hurt you?
Will my actions hurt myself?
Does it matter if I am hurt?
Can I be selfish, force my feelings on you?
Or will you draw back, move away, keep your distance
In your own assumed solution

A bond that transitions time
A moment that lasts forever
A memory that sparks a change
A time that become imprinted

Fear, preys on the mind
Hope shatters realities
Constant interferences
Take precious time away
That I want, only with you

Excuses to see you,
Never lies,
but heartache, seeing you smile
knowing that I am not the one
creating that smile
That that smile is not for me...but
rather for her..

See through me
See my thoughts
Become my mind reader
Only then will you truly understand
How much I am holding back
not just for me, but for you sake

Fade from white
Awkward, shy, hidden
Tears seep, you comfort
Heart-wrenching sights
What can I keep from you?

They pour out...
Disregarding all reason
Shattering all barriers
Trust is all I can give
and watch as I continue to
Lie to myself, over and over
To avoid the pain
the self damning inflicted pain
that will overwrite me
like a computer program














Your no vampire,
but your perfect
Even if Twilight has warped
what it is to be perceived as
Your existence
It isn't a blur
It's clear, well defined, just like the camera shots
Over and over, revealing a truth
Over and over, proving a theory
Over and over, giving false hope
and watching it build up and break down

It's futile, your means of protecting me
I've already wadded into the deep waters
I can't guard my heart forever
Come save me! I yell
my heart overflowing
Save me from myself
my evident flood of lack of self control
as it seeks to consume me

Numbness that stems from my own insecurity
is whisked away with your lingering voice
Repeating over and over again,
I needed love
and I needed you

If only I knew you cared
that you valued my repetitive trust statements
my self confessed anxiety that came
from your lack of response
You leave me memorized,
especially your eyes, so full of life and reflection
and innocence so valued and treasured
I needed you.

I need you.

The Speaking tree

I had a dream last night. A beautiful dream in which the tears had secretly slipped through the silence unnoticed until their salty bitterness kissed my lips and I realised it could never be more than a dream...It mirrored the moments that once consumed my heart 6 months ago. You stared up at me while on my lap and smiled; a smile I never ever saw... I could never complete you, because you had shut your self out. I was a person. A girl you saw as your own, but never... as a part of you. I watched your face; your long lashes flicker as you closed your eyes, praying, wishing it would never end. The silence, was reflective, it made me wonder more and more what the future would hold for the both of us. Wishing, desperately searching for a sign, a moment where every star became significant in the vast expanding sky, praying that somewhere you were thinking of me too. 'I'm dreaming of you tonight, till tomorrow, I'll be holding you tight..' The world became your embrace, no matter how weary the day, the uncertainty in tomorrow or the inexplicable hesitancy that came being around you, you were no longer him; no longer that same person. It was different. Wondering, contemplating, what would you see if you looked in my eyes? Would you even care? The pain, the flamboyance of your continuous lies and excuses had all crumbled before my eyes, and there you stood, so brilliant in the light, like an angel who had gone against God, and fallen for a mortal who had binded you with their clumsiness that gave you the perfect excuse to start a journey; a time together with that mortal...forever and ever...I just wanna hold you close, but so far, all I have are dreams of you. So I wait for the day and courage to say how much I love you..dreaming with you endlessly...

But who was I kidding, isnt this itself the greatest sin? Lying to oneself, indulging in giving oneself useless hope that life would return to that one moment. That you would return to me as the person I once knew, the man I once loved. We are no longer kids...heartbreak, pain and loss matures us, gives us a strength, a passion, a goal we never knew we had before. A driving force, a will to live and prove to God that we can obtain happiness, regardless of the choice or method.

But what if we are lying to ourselves? Is that fair? Fair to who? Myself or the people who watch as I believe in my own lies? Was I lying to myself and everyone else when I said that I was over him? That I didnt love him...

Yet discovering he had blocked me last night...Why did I still cry, and feel anxiety and grief. Wasnt it I, who had been through the most torment in this relationship supposed to block him not vice versa? My break down was pointless. I was surpised, lost and hurt to have realised that last night I was still affected by his disappearance from my life. Or perhaps it was the fact that he had promised so gently, lying so willfully, that he would be there for me, that he wouldn't run away and that 'he wasn't scared I would eat him' Promises, promises, promises. What is the point of making one when you can never keep it. In the end all you do is accumulate more worry, guilt and hatred. For how long will I pretend to myself that I've forgiven him for what he did..how long...will I hold out...reaching...praying that God will have mercy on me...and let me forget him...forever...

I just want to say thanks again to Luke who again...literally saved my ass last night. When I stopped breathing, and started my stupid and regretful crying, he with his clear thinking mind, ruled him out from my life. Even though he would so firmly imply the need for me to just 'forget him' and I struggled to come to terms with that suggestion, in the end I knew the harsh reality behind them. He said them to help me wake up, realise dreams dont last, and anyone can fall from heaven...So thanks Luke, my little bodyguard who cares even when I feel he doesnt like most people....

Forgiveness.
One word..one very powerful opening into a new perspective on life..
To forgive and to forget is not easy.
The sage Acharya Mahaprajina once said to a man 'Remeber all that which supports your progress, bring you happiness and forget all that which impedes your progress, hinders positive thoughts. It is as important to learn to be forgetful as it is to learn to remember. If you remember the hurtful or the detrmiental incidents, you are carrying an unnecessary burden with you and this will lead you to failure.'

To forgive and forget: they come as a pair, for unless you forget you cannot forgive, and unless you forgive you can never forget. Put it this way, when we eat or drink, we are quenching our hunger and thirst. We are satisfying one kind of need. Similarly, to seek forgiveness is the need of the spirit. It brings nutrition to the spirit and rejuvenates it. Mahavira believeed in equality to such an extent that he said if one forgives and the orther is forgiven, it introduced inequality in society. So both sides should seek forgiveness and forgive. The meaning of forgiveness is limitless affection or amity. The most dominant cause of hatred is arroganc. If we are able to overcome arrogance and develop humane qualities, we can access amity in no time. When anger is overcome, the spirit of forgiveness springs in the soul and the soul experiences infinite happiness....

btw...sorry for the depressing post...and the time it took as well...i got lazy heheh :D
but i will update it tomorrow detailing the great fun and experiences of one week of holidays and my upcoming plans for them...mwhahaha
I LUV U ALL PEOPLE
and thanks for always being there for me and reading my blog :)

Love starts with a hug, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear

A person recently pointed out that I complain too much...

Lets label him X.

That may be true, despite the 50 or so other people who disagree with that statement. What were my feelings when that person said that to me?

To be honest, I buckled. Especially since the person was someone I trust more than I can ever trust myself. At the time I felt weak, not to mention the break down my body has had since Saturday. I know I'm drained emotionally, any person could point that out when they see me. My insomnic patterns and loss of appetite are showing. If you think its because of my 3 week old break up, you could be right. One of my friends said to me that it was a delayed reaction; my body is now showing the signs of weakness I tried to push out in the last 2 weeks, when I realised I had to grow up, and get over him and move on...
But its always easier said than done. Truthfully, I didnt even know if X was being so blunt and pointing out his honest opinion in order to help me realise it, or simply because he was angry and fed up with me. Yes, it hurt....I cannot say that when people are honest and point these things out, it doesnt hurt.

It does, and that's the bottom line.

It only made me more conscious. Wondering, fearing, and contemplating the truth. Was I really like that? Did I burden people when I talked? I felt like I needed to retreat into a shell, away from everyone. The next day when I talked to people, I didnt mention anything about my day, my feelings, nothing. I inquired as to their day, their adventures and their thoughts. It was all I could really do. That statement that person made, has in itself, consumed my mind, made me conscious of every word I wrote or typed, because I was scared. Scared to admit that mayb that X was right, and that I was wrong. It would be me lying, if I denied that Desh hadnt left me scared. He knew my true feelings, yet he used and abused them. What did that tell me about other people? Would they be like him, would I have to cover up my feelings, and sink to his level and lie simply to have my heart protected? Would this way prevent me from getting my feelings hurt, if no one knew what they were in the first place...

But was this me? Was being retreated, and being scared of everyone and everything the way I wanted to live, the person I wanted to become? X once said to me that I dont know what I want. But I thought about it and came to this conclusion. I told you I wanted happiness and he said that I was implying I would only be happy with another man, that this new man was the only thing that could make me happy. Yes, I was happy in a relationship, the happiness Desh did give me was a memory I'll treasure, but for now, I know what I dont want, and its another destructive relationship like the one I had. So this is my true answer. Yes, I want happiness, however, I dont need to know how I want to obtain this happiness. That is the purpose of having a future, you wont know what is to come, and you can never expect anything. I can say that I want to be with my friends, keep them close, work hard, get the enter I want and then go out and party all the time. These are the things I THINK will give me happiness. But what if they dont? What if I loose all my friends today? Or person X hates me? Or my parents disown me? Or i get into an accident and am on life support for the rest of my life? See this is why I cant define happiness.

For me, to say that I at least want happiness is enough. You say I'm unstable because I don't know what I want. Thats fine. I dont need to know what I want, because for now I'm living. Im breathing, and my heart is beating. I feel happiness, sadness, pain and anger. Because I'm human, and I'm living for myself, in this world. I don't need to have my life ruled and defined into the exact events that will rule out my happiness. I want to go with the flow. Have no expectations, and do everything without worrying about the consequences. I'm not saying I want to become ignorant or care-free, but rather I want to feel freedom. Do the things I feel like, and learn from them. Everything is an experience, and every person you meet will mayb leave a lasting impression on you. I say I want happiness, because in truth, I want to have the hope that I can live life to the fullest without ever regretting.

Person X that is my answer to you. You made me think and reflect, and this is the only thing I can say. I don't want to look back, only forward. I want to try new things, do reckless things without worrying so then I can at least mature from the mistakes I make. You said I complain too much, but this is who I am. I am ME, and you as a friend, can either learn to accept me for who I am or watch me develop into a better person. You are my friend, and I love you for who you are. I can only beg you won't give me a reason to give up hope, give up my dreams, and my definitions of what happiness I want. Because now, in this stage of life I don't know how I want to achieve this happiness, but really, did I ever know? Does anybody ever know? Love builds bridges where there are none. The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.If you judge people, you have no time to love them.

The only reason it hurt though, the main reason that made me buckle, was because you, like me know what I went through in year 8. You know better than anyone, that there was a point in my life I couldnt even talk to people, couldn't even smile, look at their face. I lost the ability to trust. I gave up the hope of ever finding happiness.

I wanted to die.

You knew that, yet you said I complain to much. For me, it is enough of a big deal that I CAN actually open up to people and talk to them about the random events that happen in my life. That I CAN smile and look them in the eye when I talk. That I CAN trust them, and tell them the dearest things to me, without worrying that they will hurt me. You know you are one of my dear peoples, yet I don't think you understood that I'm human too, and I know Im not exactly like you in that I have to rely on people, but this is who I am. Please learn to love me for who I am, Im begging you...

A person might say that the thing that will bring them most happiness is for example, is getting a job at Target. But when they arrive at the job, are subjected to a humiliating one week of training, not having the ability to be accepted into the already appointed staff, then their perception of happiness might change. Would they find happiness working in a place that causes them so much pain? I often find that happiness comes as a surprise. A little gesture or smile from a person you consider untouchable, is often enough to make you feel slightly more happy.

What about love? Love between friendship, love between people of the opposite sex, and in some cases of the same sex? Does love always bring happiness? Or does it produce pain? Have you ever had those moments when even among your friends, the people you think you know, you feel alone? Alone in this world, with no one to notice your lonliness, walk up to you and kiss you forehead and say 'it's alrite, i'm here for you arent i?' Its funny. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

Mayb this is what I seek in happiness. Sure I might link a future relationship as bringing me happiness, because I want to find an individual who will listen to me and support me even when the whole world is against me. Person X, I love you so much, and I respect what you said to me, but is it selfish if I want to pursue that as happiness? No, rather I will shape my own happiness. I won't chase after it. I want happiness to find me. Until then I can carry on with my normal every day life, and hope to expect that I will find peace of mind. Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it’s what you are expected to give — which is everything.

Which makes me think:
Life is like a see-saw. Make the most of it.

We have our ups and downs, successes and failures, elations and disappointments. Nothing is certain but change. Winners turn losers and vice versa, but that is the law of nature.

We need to learn to act our age, we are young, we have the right to be reckless, rashionless, make mistakes, pick ourselves up and work harder. We have the right to learn to accept ourself, we have the right to be happy, and we have the right to be honest, straightforward. We have the right to fall in love, like a person, get into sexual relations for fun, all with the purpose for improving and developing. If we dont try now, then when will we? Will we forever be burdened with regret for never trying? What is the point of acting above our age? Are we trying to tell the world we are different? And even then why? Is it because we want our existance to be acknowledged by all? Do we want people to say that person is different, not like usual girls or guys. Do you want to be categorized as different and fragmented from the norm? Then why do we show off, or speak so freely of the random things that happen? Is it a fear, an obsession or for a purpose?

In the end, it will be different for each invidual, because truthfully EVERYONE is DIFFERENT. its about learning to find a purpose, or a reason to move on and get through every day. For me, I hope to keep the beautiful friends I have, possibly find a partner who will love me for who I am, be a successful person who does well in life and is able to make her own decisions. For now these are dreams. Whether or not they are accomplished is a different story or if my perception of happiness changes, but more importantly is the hope. For now, my summer dream is to get a flat stomach, get my belly button ring and fit into my first bikini ;) Yep here I come guys :D Jokes, rather than that, I want to be a motivation to Charmaine, and show her that baby steps develop just like a baby to an adult. Its about having the right people to support you. You don't necessarily have to make the right decisions all the time, that is where learning and experiences come from.

In the end I will be with you no matter who you become, no matter what you do, because that is my pledge as a friend. I love you, and for me love can overcome any boundary. So please, dont abuse this love, let me prove to you that you can make up my world. Give me a chance to be me, and learn to accept this ditzy stupid girl who complains too much. Because for me, seeing you smile is enough to make all the pain disappear...


If you love somebody, set them free. If they return, they were always yours. If they don’t, they never were....


And beautiful Sonam, this is for you

a thousand words couldnt bring you back…
i know this because i tried,
niether could a thousand tears…
i know this because i cried,
you left behind a broken heart and happy memories too…
but i never wanted memories..
i only wanted you

Don’t you wish that flower could tell the truth

he loves me

he loves me not

so get up and go find out make that 1st move and put your feeling out there!

P.S any pictures i post up from now on, are from my cute friend Jeannine's website from
http://papertissue.tumblr.com

Please click and admire the beautiful photos. I always feel like they touch my heart:)

looking at the bright side...of things

My infrequent blog posts are starting to piss me off as well...
gosh this week has been annoying...to sum it all up. just pure damn annoying, ah pure and damn dont get well in the same sentence.


tuesday...i saw the real monster that loomed in that person. it welled up, prepared to pounce, and exploded on the spot. Its the worst thing when a person lies to your face, continues to lie, make excuses, and all you do is fall for that person harder and worse. It's like a chocolate bar, that says 99 percent fat free, a straightforward lie, that shows when your 3 days worth of mass consumerism of that specific chocolate bar, leads you to gain the extra 2 kg, that the packet initially denied. In another sense, I chose a chocolate bar to symbolise it as something that people love dearly, or with passion. The verdict, he is a lying cheating bastard that showed his true colours. I said I wouldnt regret, but right now all the flaws come out. Saying msn is easy, rather than face to face, or insisting the the gf is always the one who is wrong, AND with the air of someone who believes he isnt to blame.

The worst thing: knowing you dont feel responsible or guilty, and then changing into the harsh uncaring asshole, who blamed me and told me he didnt like me as a person, simply because I asked a truthful question. I guess fear is wat made him loose his cool. He was too scared to say it to my face. All the lols and 'I guess we are better off as friends' are so fake that it pisses me off in the first place. O and wat about the shoes. Where to begin. O wait, mayb I shouldnt, because that person would insist 'its in the past'. Right...so when i killed off heaps of stolen money on them, spent ages passing them around to get caught, and coping SOO MUCH SHIT just to have them delivered to you, and hearing u say, sorry they are wet and muddy and ooo gee they weren't THAT GREAT.....
WELL THANKS FOR CARING!! realli appreciate it.

Another thing, putting on a 'im sorry but Im acting like I dont want to hurt u' air is just as bad, esp when its a break up conversation, and then a few days later u shed u coat and reveal the monster of personality u have unsheathed. You know, I think im going to stop using the word sorry, and the words I love you. Because, everyone uses them, without implying their real significance. He told me he didnt like me, and followed with a heartless sorry. If he were reali sorry, then he wouldnt have said it. Lies, continuous lies, revealed through every sentence that came out of his mouth. How much of it was truth, like the first few times he said I love you, the 3 most powerful words that can become a source of hope for one person, and then to later have him take it back and say I like you, but even then I dont like u THAT much. great kiddo, in the end, you say i was a shit gf, but dude, u were boring and stupid. I guess stupid + stupid = FAIL in a relationship. Thats y this time, Ill fall in love with someone who is at least a lot more mature, and intelligent, not just in studies, but in terms of relationships. Sigh =.=''' and also when I would try to convince myself we were better off, or we moved together too fast, and you agreeing so passionately. You see, this is where the hate comes in. Sis, you were right. First it was pain and heartbreak, now its just anger and annoyance.

And the uttermost, uber worst thing. Being used and led on, and then chucked away like a rag doll. Thanks hun, it was the best 3 months ever...but ooo wait, didnt you say I was a shit gf, so I guess you didnt enjoy them at all, another lie in ur break up convo. The world can be so fucked, but ur just impossible. And then acting so nice during the break up, using words like babe and im sorry, and OOO IT WONT BE AWKWARD, ITS ME, and how u sooo wouldnt ignore me at the trial exam today, but wait everybody take a guess at wat did he do...he ignored me, went upstairs with some other chick to apparently 'study'. fess up kiddo, ur alreadi fliritng and in another relationship. Thanks for giving a shit about me.

And now for the saddest thing. If I ask you what is happiness to you, I would love to hear your reply. In the whole relationship, I was chasing after what I would assume would make YOU happy. I wanted to see YOU smile, YOU laugh, YOU cuddle me or kiss me. I wanted to see YOUR face light up when i gave YOU chocolates that i went through shit to get, but in the end, I got a feigned thanks and a pissy peck to show ooo so much gratitude. Which made me think, had he ever once asked me, r you happy, or what can I do to make YOU happy? No....he didnt. This doesnt mean that in my next relationship I will full on try and make the guy work. No, im not like that. If I love someone, I want them to know I would do anything for them regardless, because that is what love is. It makes you do crazy things, but thanks alot, I am now officially scared to say I love you to another guy.

Aside from all the stupid ex bitching, I want to address the topic of lust, attraction, friendship and crushes. I refuse to talk about love in my o so crappy mood right now. For me I think lust and attraction are the same thing; the desire to have someone, flirt with them, touch them, and make them yours. And what is a crush for me? Noticing someone's every action, thinking about every word they said to you, and constantly thinking about what they are doing or what they feel for you. This is what i believe a crush is.

Friendship: What is a true bestie? When I saw Nimasha buckle and her eyes well up, I wanted to show her that I cared, when a person she loved was snatched away from her. What could I do, I was so emotionally hurt from my own failure of a relationship, that all I cud do was watch. I wanted to grab her and hug her, but even her own tendency to do that had faded. I watched her cry, yet I did not put my hands around her, scared for some reason..that my own emotional stonage would be conveyed to her. I felt numb, numb and annoyed that I could not show her that I care so much. In the end, as she cried, I cried with her. Tears welled up and fell...their signficance was that they held my true feelings. frustration mixed with confusion with my sudden emotional numbness. I wanted to be there for her, not as an onlooker, but as a person she could lean her shoulder on and cry. Did this make me a bad friend? Do I have the right anymore to say I'm her friend, if I could not even hold onto those now fragile shaking shoulders? In the end, it only makes me cry more. When my precious little sister lost her most important person, it didnt hit me at first. Even now, I still can't believe it. Yet I remained silent, even on msn, I just stared at the conversation and silently wept. While she may have thought I was conversing with another person, hence the late replies, I was just shocked. I stared at those words that had now become so real, and hated myself, and my inability to convey that I reali cared and wanted to be there as a dear person. Even now, Sonam, my heart and soul sister, when she cries, looses her breath, chokes, cries and tosses and turns, I wish only to be with her. To hold her until she cries to sleep, make jokes with her to turn her sadness into happiness. So is this my answer? Is true friendship about devoting yourself to the wellbeing of the person to the point that u hurt when they are hurt, and you smile when they smile? In the end, all I can do is strive to be there for her. If only it weren't for the shitty barrier between us. O how I would have run to her house, and sat with her while she wept, listened to her every complaint, moment of happiness, sadness, and stroked her hair with so much love and respect for that person who had opened up to me. SONAM I MISS YOU!!! In the end, all I can do is pray, pray to god to grant my selfish wish, and ask him to bring happiness to these dear and important friends, who are responsible for my own happiness. Even now, seeing kk struggle to be happy, and push me away with the worry of burdening with her own problems, it makes me sadder. Because in essence, I genuinely care, and again I feel as if people set up a barrier, and choose not to tell. Everyone is different, and I can understand if they are not comfortable with telling people, but for the people like me who see their most important people suffer in silence with no clue at all on how to help, isnt that more gut wrenching? We issue interest in their general wellbeing, yet they think it is a simple curtesy/aquaintance call. Yet, all we do is love them more, and hold them closer. They push us away, yet we run after them, begging them to hold up....

so y does god take the people we love away from us...Is it a test, as shannon says, that God brokes our hearts, to prove he only takes the best? One may ponder, but likewise, they might never find the answer. It feels as if a hole was punched in our heart, when see the people we love hurt. For kk and sonam, I MARSHMELLOW YOU BOTH. and so far, you are the only 2 people I can say that to, because truthfully you guys are gorgeous, both mind body and soul, to the point that your support alone is something that is keeping me alive and breathing to this day:)

On a lighter, more errr cheerier, I would like to end saying thankyou to mihiri luke kk and jeremy and the other people who have helped me build a bridge and get over a certain someone. All it does, is make me love you guys more :)

On my next blog post i want to talk about the morality in sexual attraction and friendship, which I am only bringing up after I stayed up till 2 in the morning today, watching Vicky Cristina Barcelona..and phewww let me tell you, that is one hot raunchy movie!! :D But I love YOU PENELOPE CRUZ lol. But basically, its because 2 besties both had sexual relationships with the same man, yet one kept it from the other in order to prevent her from getting hurt. I want to address the issue, how far, or what can one bestie do for the other? vicky loved antonia, yet she moved out of the way for cristina, but to what avail? In the end, they both ended up in the same spot. broken, hurt, reflective and more matured...

for now, see ya guys im drained with only 5 hours sleep CAUSE THE FRIKIN NEIGHBOURS HAD A PARTY, AND I HEARD MILEY CYRUS TILL 1AM IN THE MORNING arghg shoot me. I would have wanted to be with a person, be cuddled and have my hair stroked. I want to be looked at with the eyes of someone interested, infatuated and almost intrigued. I want to be held when I'm down, make jokes and hear you laugh, and tease you, only to see your cute reactions. I want to surprise you with random things, see you smile, and then cling to you because I dont want you to leave me. I want you to kiss me without me having to ask you, I want you to call me and sing to me as I sleep. I want to tell you about my day, and hear you talk about yours, and watch your eyes as I learn something new. And I never want it to fade away...but love to only grow. Even if it is explored in different ways; fights, arguments, friendship, sexual lust and attraction, i want it to be only with you, and you alone, so that we can grow and mature together. And I want to know that you actually care, that its not a facade, that its not just out of courtesy and your duty as a friend. No, i want more than that. I want to hear you whisper my name and giggle, and then tickle you and watch you defend yourself. I want to make you feel alive, and I want to make you want only me, and think about me when your alone. This is the beauty of love, something that gives me hope to push through every day. But I wont ask God to give me this this time. I will shape my own life, and do whatever I want everyday with the people I love. I will follow my heart, so that in the end, if anything goes wrong, I will only have myself to blame. I want to pursue someone, without worrying about the morality and even if it wasnt the right decision, have you see me and run with arms wide open. For now, being with that person is more than enough. Knowing their heart is beating at the same pace as yours, or knowing that the silence between us is more reflective, and never looking back, but only moving forward together. I want it to be more than attraction, more than sex, more than lust, more than anything, I want to trust you. Say to you over and over again, I love you and I trust you, without being scared you will shut me down and say sorry but I don't. The only thing I know is what I dont want....

For now i have stomach cramps:S which i reali dont like....ah i need to save up money too, to buy bday presents for a bday boy:D iv alreadi bought present one and i think its cute, but not sure if its boyish...GOSH Y IS IT SO HARD TO BUY GIFTS FOR GUYS. grrr, llol and the fact that your not interested in video games or sport, is a little bit harder as well XD.

But happiness isnt always defined by being in a relationship. Sure, if being in a relationship, knowing that you are being tied down to a person that you really treasure, if that makes you happy, then you shud pursue it without any worries. But for now, im single, meaning I can do whatever, flirt with whoever, and not even feel guilty. I think my first relationship was an experience to show me im still too young and inexperienced. That I need to mature so I can improve on the next one. I wont get into a relationship till after year 12, when I can actually focus on having a social life, with more freedom. I dont want to be labelled as in a relationship. I am ME, and that is the bottom line. Being single, I can learn to love in a different manner, and I can be me, without feeling that I always have to be devoted. I learnt how destructive relationships are. Its about finding someone who values you for who you are. And in the future if i find that person I would say this:


I want to hold your hand, and feel you squeeze back just as tightly :)

air...wat we breathe in when we come to life, and wat we give up when we die....

OMG SORRY PEOPLE
WHO ACTUALLY READ MY BLOG
it has been a while...i think it was before the bio exam that i put up my last post...
well guess wat??? a lot of eventful things have happened...where to start
THE BIO EXAM
dun dun dun...drumrolllllll
apparently as ryan described it to me it was as 'pleasureable as being beaten by an iron rod'
interesting...i didnt think that it was that bad..but thats just me, considering the fact that I am one of the few people who can show off and say that I FINISHED THE PAPER !!!! i wud luv to say suck shit to all the people who didnt finish, only problem is some of those people i realli luv...so thats a definite NO NO
lol but likewise...the multiple choice was uber fucked up..i mean i have no fucking clue y we wud want to mate a british and chinese pig for teats/tits for crying out loud!!! argh stupid bio and apparently it was the worst paper in 15 years. my principal and my 2 bio teachers stuck up a convo with me, which was kinda surprising, and poured out all their disregard and annoyance at the paper, but heck its done..nothing i can do..but still the shitty examiner who watched over us..i swear he finished 3 minutes early!!!!!!!!!! i met 3 other people who agreed!!! there goes 5 multiple choice that cud have been corrected. ah but fuck it, life goes on right...
well that monday was a good day...i mean after the exam i put some make up on, and my gorgeous darling kk came over. it was the best, i luved how she just rocked up, despite loosing her way to my house. see this is wat friends are for, and kk u are a perfect example of true friend :) luv u hunny (L) hmmm and well she stayed till 12, and we watched nausciaa and pigged out on chicken nuggets and heavily ladden chocolate ice cream...which reminds me, i shud have started going gym..i want to get one of those uber hot revealing swim suits but sigh..im too lazy and i mean the only person i ever wanted to impress in life just left me, so i guess it doesnt matter. anyhoos that night me and kk went to the park and talked...about our relationships and of course how we were squirming that the mosquitos found me more tasty than her. when we got home I WAS covered with 2 massive whooper bites, while beautiful kk was let unscathed...
anyhoos...i didnt cry when i watched nausicaa which was kinda..surprising:| i remember the first time i watched it, i was balling my eyes out till 1 in the morning, and boy it is a looonnnnggg movie. but likewise i wanted to call desh, cause i hadnt had any contact with my dearie in ages, only to get kinda shut down, but it still didnt get me down, cause i heard his beautiful sexy voice and i was like lol at least he picked up the phone :D the next day...was boring....literally i did nothing...i just stared at my mountain of hw and decided to go play wit my dog instead...

wednesday...sigh...the worst day ever...of this week...i shud sooo have no gone on msn. literally. i regret it to pieces. well the main event of that day that put me down was the person i luv and trust the most in the world, dumped me, or rather as jeremy says walked away without looking back. sigh jeremy u were so right. it was pointless, my feelings werent reciprocated, he didnt luv me, but u know wat i still luv him to pieces. i was prob my fault tho, im a pretty crap person mercy, even if u say u think im gorgeous. and for all the people out there who thought desh was wrong and just used me, ill tell u he gave me the most beautiful 3 months ever, and it just makes me love him even more :D but i dont know whether he cares or not...or wat he went through to break up with me, mayb he just went out with another chick the next day while i balled my eyes out and did some other stupid reckless thing which i wont mention, or kk will blast me hehe. but basically, after thinking about it and swearing at myself for an hour for letting me get so affected, i decided its time to grow up. i know carly u hate when people say it, but its the only thing i can say...its time i stopped relying on people. i guess i trusted desh and wanted to see him as a person who wud understand me and be there for when i needed him, and i think it was more selfish that he was tied down to me in this relationship, thats y i let him go...even tho it broke me to pieces. when i look back over the break up convo, i think sigh he wanted to say it from the start. but thank u people who gave a shit about me, screamed at me, and made me wake up and realise heck...im such an idiot, i reali reali am...for believing in a delusion. yes he still is my dearest person, but i gotta suck it up, bite my lip and change that love to friendship so that then i can support him if he gets a new gf, and tell her she is the luckiest girl in the world....yes i was sad, and depressed and yes i thought my world was over. but heck i want to dux year 12 next year and get an enter over 95 percent. so shudnt i suck it up and move on. sure itll be hard, and mayb im just saying this and acting strong, but if i dont learn now, then when will i. they always say the first relationship is never the best, and usually the worst (quote from elley at target) but i want to improve...im not sure if ill find another guy, but im grateful to god that i met desh, and that he was my bf for the short time he was. if i think that way, then i think desh was out of my league, which he was, and that i shud be uber grateful i had my chance with him, but heck ill miss him, and the smiles that he wud have for me, or the few times he swore at me, or when he ...ah sigh. i luv u deshan i reali do, and it shits me that iv lost u. but then i think wtf is wrong with me. i havent lost him, he is still alive and breathing, and hopefully in the future i can be like desh lets go out for coffee or walk up to him and give him a hug and kiss(on the cheek unfortunately) and be normal. thats wat i want, and i know it wont happen immediately, but this is my prayer, a selfish stupid one, that might not ever happen. hopefully ill get to perv on the new hot guys in my chem class next year, but then again lets see if i can even get into the top class. i want a guy with looks and brains, and sigh i just want him to be...just as gorgeous as desh was. and thanks guys, the amount of people who have threatened to bash the shit out of desh and have him jumped surprised me. people i thought who wud bag the crap out of me, are the ones that are the most supportive and offering to speak to him and kick his ass. but i wud never ask for it, cause like i said, he is still my most important person. and thank u kk, jeremy, sonam, carly, jean, luke, sav and mihiri and the other people that i havent mentioned but they know who they are, who have helped me. thank u. but overall the one thing i can leave this relationship with, is thanks. im reali grateful to deshan, he was beautiful, realli was.....boy he reali lite my life up :)

p.s. boys, please dont break up with ur gfs on msn...thats a NO NO..u do it in person, and not through text or phone either..u sit down with ur partner and explain ur reasoning and how u have come to the conclusion. sigh, i still dont know the reason for my break up...

hmm apart from that, i was heartbroken when i found out that nuwan died. i personally didnt know him, but nimasha did and it broke my heart to see her so down and i felt so hopeless, because my break up the day before has left me numbed and in a shit emotional state, which im not going to elaborate on.
but i wanted to the funeral, only problem was my mum wudnt let me and its tomorrow, the day when im working...and sigh...i feel like such a shit friend. not to mention grandma is dying and today when i talked to her i was in near tears. i thought i didnt care, but i was wrong. i was just as broken hearted when she called me and was desperately trying to tell me that she missed me, as if she had alreadi given up hope...please god, dont take anymore people away from me and the people who love them...first desh, then nuwan and now her...:( i wont be able to survive if i loose my dearest people..

which reminds me..my parents are shitting me. i mean i cant tell them that i was in a relationship in the first place, kinda sad, but sigh, i wish they wud leave me alone....they think they know their children, but they dont, and they dont bother to understand either. my life is so sheltered and overprotected by them, that i cant do anything...i dont even have privacy..i wonder how long it will be before this blog is found and deleted. i mean my texts and calls are monitored, my emails are checked, my msn deleted but i sneakily restored, and my laptop checked..i hate my life and i cant wait till i finish year 12...im off to schoolies or somewhere FAR FAR AWAY. lol take me away....

apart from that, on thursday it was our last chem tutor class, and i felt horrible because i cudnt even be happy for everyone, and as jeremy pointed out, some of us were depressed for the wrong reason. i was depressed cause of my break up and nuwan dying, sav was depressed because of stress for the exams, and mihiri was depressed cause i was depressed...sigh
i luv all of u mihiri and sav, it meant the world to me when u hugged me and told me to be strong.

but yeah..im sorry guys...i was in shits that day..i mean i woke up crying, because i realised that the break up the night before wasnt a dream, and my face was swollen, to the point i told my mum i had a hayfever attack, when realii i stayed up crying till 3 in the morning. and i cam to school and i buckled in front of my bio teacher, and she said she was so proud of me that i handled my break up so strongly...and then i spent 4 hours crying..cause i had spares the whoolllleee day, and all the teachers were uber worried and sigh..i wrote desh a massive ass letter with all my feelings and beautiful memories, and sealed them in there, so i wont think of them. sigh. did it reali have to end

but tutor..sigh it was nice to see sujit being lively and boasting how easy the bio exam was, when i like epically died...and he gave me a flower, like desh did, and i just gav his the first kiss he has ever gotten from a girl on his cheek. at least i made someone happy, while i felt like shit and made most of the people around me feel like shit. i was sad tho..despite my crying while i was waiting alone with isha for everyone to come, i wanted everyone to enjoy and not be held back because of me...im sorry everyone, i realli am...

but for now, i must retreat to studying for the chem tutor exam, do my 3 weeks late physics hw, help my cute little year 9 friends and anyone else who needs help, and start my gma study for my test before i fail it literally :|
and sigh kk, i luv u and iv only said it to two people so far but...
KK AND SONAM I MARSHMELLOW YOU BOTH
or rather i CUCCUMBER U
or wait i LOLLIPOP u
thats sounds nicer loll

Regulation of life...for bio

Okay i needed a place to write down about wat i need to do
ill elaborate on my past week..AFTER the biology exam..cause right now a lot of shit is fucking with my head so i just need to pen it out before i explode.

- check up wat Ruby Gloom is (so that i know wat my lil sister is talking about ..wuv u nat chan)

Okay for biology
Wednesday
- Do whole Exam answer revision :D
- Practise for oral presentation

Thursday
- Do all of insight answers
- Finish off exam answer revision if not alreadi finished
- ms Balls website

Friday:
- All of Cambridge again

Saturday:
Revision: - cambridge, nelson, ms hantzis powerpoints, ms balls website and study cards. Insight answers, exam revision, 2008 exam answer revision

Sunday
Revision: same as saturday and skim through HSE exams

The disappearance of the pimpy pimple...D: part 1

Its 8:50 in the morning right now...my face seriously still looks like this =.=''''' ..zzzzzz
after last nites intriguing yet contemplative battle with Jeremy, I can say this clearly...
boy..life's a bitch...and a massive one at that!!

Sigh, its kinda hard when I love you and kk so much. I wont ever say that watever is happening is a burden to me. Rather than that, it makes me realise that Im trusted and accpeted for who I am, enough so that my dear friends can actually seek out advice and pour their hearts out, while me being a little biased towards KK due to the fact that we have the same sort of ...problems. But sigh, I learnt that in the end all I can do is pray to god. Make a selfish wish, and pray that God will hear. If i ever had to make this wish, I would say God please make the people in a relationship realise just how important their loved one is to them, and that they should pursue and relive each day the same happiness that they treasure so much.

im surprised after my recent lack of sleep, why this morning when I woke up and stared at the mirror, I did not see the mammoth of a pimple i was expecting to be placed right dot centre in the middle of my forehead....the human body simply amazes me, end of story there.

Well now I need to make plans for what I want to do today..because yesterday I got seriously sidetracked =.=' (yes stil looking like this)
I told myself I would do all the cambridge exam questions...but nooooo stupid little Raveenamsn for a certain someone knowing that I should be studying. But I dontdidnt have these people, then I wouldnt be the stupid airheaded girl who runs around like a frickin lunatic :D ...at times XD

Anyhoos getting back to my plans....today i SWEAR to do all these things:
- Do my debate with Sarah, before I die of a heartattack D:
- DO THE CAMBRIDGE EXAM QUESTIONS FOR EVOLUTION (yep a lot of emphasis there)
- revise the whollllleee cambridge book...iv finished it..so i should revise it or im screwed if I forget
- Revise meiosis, mitosis, PCR, DNA replication, transcription, translation, index fossils, features of hominids, get definitions of hominids, hominins and primates (for some reason I always think of the pokemon when I see the work primate)
- hmm wat else..errrr I HAVE TO DO MY PHYSICS CHEAT SHEET
- and last but not least...i shud kinda study for methods. I mean i cant keep wagging school...iv alreadi missed 4 lessons, so techniquely havent I alreadi failed? oo i just realised i might have...ahahahah..crap

ALRITE RAVEENA WOOT WOOT
lets see how much of this i ACTUALLY get done.......................................
heavy emphasis on the word actually..knowing me, ill be sitting on msn instead of studying, when I told myself I should limit and delete the damn thing..ITS SOO ADDICTIVE arhghggh
thank god i dont have facebook...i refuse to get it. One because deshan thinks its gay and 2 because id get reallll addicted..and trust me i dont need anymore distractions than wat i alreadi

and it just dawned upon me
Today is my third month with Deshan :D
..im kinda happy about it..but im sort of sad too
sad because i cant exactly call him and talk for hours on the phone with him, make him happy
cause yep..i dont have a phone..and im desperate for one for my bday, one that will give me free texts and calls to anyone on 3. My resolution for this month with Deshan....errr get a hot body :D
loll
na just kidding..i havent gotten desh a present yet..but I know wat im giving him hehehee
hmmm im kinda neutral with my love life..happiness, pain, excitement, sadness, Iv felt them all, some more vividly than others. But today the most important thing for me is to remember the day when we got together...that is one of my favourite memories. O O O especially when he gave me a flower. i think we flirted crazy at that time, now i guess we dont, but thats me trailing off now... lol. and when we made plans to go japan together and talked about anime and when we had the little stupid playful fights just to piss each other off...sigh having no contact with the dude is kinda killing me, but studies come first. nch nch in the end ill be the one having a sulk if i cant get an a+ on the biology midyear not him.
sometimes i think he is smarter than me...its just he doesnt try

which brings me to my next point:
WHY ARE BOYS SOOOO FRICKIN SMART
classic example
- jeremy basically bragged about how easy 3/4 Methods is, and i sat there, blinked, stared at him, and bit my tongue in order to remind myself not to start crying..especially at tutor, in front of everyone :|
- deshan...when he works hard he gets the results..kinda scary. i remember he worked realllisha's first exam and got 88 % and my face was like D: kinda shocked...and then he pulled off an a+ on the biology 3/4 midyear and when he told me i was like...dude wat happened, ur dumb **** lol yep i luv him :D and another time in class when we were doing the diaganol rule in class for redox, he was like raveena u have to explain this to me later and i was like yeah sure (his face was cute) and then isha asked him a question, and he like straight away knew and i was like woooh WTF!!! i didnt even know it and I WAS PAYING ATTENTION in class!! well mayb i was a little distracted...i mean desh is kinda pretty hot..hard to keep my eyes off him. kinda suprising since he spends majority of his life with his face pressed against the mirror, checking out his hair...hehe
- Lukey boy...this kids views and passions astound me. he's 2 years my junior but at times I feel like he is an older brother, who protects me from myself seriously, without the need for an umbrella or anything lol.

Well for now those are the 3 more important boys to me in my life and I luv them for who they are regardless if they are jerks, assholes or total selfish upthemselves (yep you know who u are)

Hmm that reminds me, when I do come chemistry tutor next I have to bring a camera..and a charged one at that. i can tell u now, the poor camera has been left abandoned under my bed, simply because I cannot find the frickin charger!!! + my bro wud realise i actually have the camera..cause i stole it.

OMG BREAKING NEWS
MY EYES HAVING GONE FROM =.= TO o.o
WOOOOt
LOLL
alrite
for now this is all im going to write..today is my anniversary, i hope it turns out good..unless i have no contact with him, which i cant really expect because I should be studying.
p.s the first thing i did this morning was eat 2 peaches :D lol
i shud make a list of the things i do, well for now

ciao people..luv u heaps but today my luv is for deshan
or i shud say
I marshmellow you deshan ~~~

Iv left 2 poem today (which i take no credit for)

Alone

I wish you were here with me
I wish you were by my side

I worry about you
I can't stop thinking about you

I'm all alone in my world
no one but me lives here

darkness, darkness, darkness
come back to me

I don't want to be alone

Knowing

If only you knew
how much I cared
If only you knew
how much I am suffering
but you don't
and I can't find the
words to tell you.
I like you so much
but when you come around
I freeze up and can't say anything
If only you knew
how to understand my feelings
But I've never felt this way
so I don't know what to say
I don't want to hurt you
like I have all the others
If only I knew
how to make you know.

DRUMROLL...here it comes..the sound...of nothingness :|

wow...first ever post...its amazing
i:
always went on msn
always saw sarahs pm
always looked at the link attached
always stared at it (i repeated myself didnt i, just worded it differently)

for the first time ever....me being the idiot that i am..hovered my curser over the link
and dared to step into the new world...of blogging
and let me tell u
i am taken back...
and surprised and more inspired

well heck
ill give credit for my first inspiration to sarah :)
thank u dearie iv finaly got somewhere to vent LOL (u know wat lol means..ur the one who made it up..that was directed at u. lol is ur thing. i just wanted u to recognise that i said it for u lol)

so my first post will consist of this poem
which i did not make up..nor did i get copyright permission..heheh woopsies
but in truth the words realli hit me...for the last 2 weeks
i didnt know wat i wanted
i didnt know wat was happening
whether it was friends...school..studies..parents
the people i luv..i pushed them away, with no motive but to be spared of pain, yet in the end
thats the only thing that flocks to me lol

Silent Tears

Silent Tears
Are tears that come unwanted
They show the suffering
Silent Tears
Come every waking moment
They fall for persenverence
Silent Tears
Come because they erase the pain
That is in my life
They become apart of everyday life
The tears keep coming
They won't stop
They keep flowing
Now they leave behind
The marks of pain
That is not understood
But leaves behind unwanted scars
Unwanted scars of silent tears